The mathematics of enjoying an experience

 Look at this equation and try to figure out what it is for: -

                                        PEx = Ex + UG – UL

                                                         Exp  

So, what do you think this equation is for? Let me give you three options...

1. How to punch a wormhole through space time?

2. How to put toothpaste back into the tube?

3. Who really killed John F Kennedy?

If your answer is option 1, I am sorry but you are wrong. If it is option 2, I am sorry again. BUT if it is option 3, well, sorry once more.

Then what is it?

This is an equation that puts into mathematical terms, how to get maximum pleasure out of an experience.

In this equation: -

PEx is the pleasure gained from the experience.

Ex is the experience itself. (A trip with friends)

UG is an unexpected gain. (Your crush coming for the trip without your foreknowledge.)

UL is an unexpected loss. (Your crush dropping out at the last moment.)

Exp is the expectations that you have from the trip.

How does it work?

We all must have experienced an impromptu event that just happens. It may be a trip with friends, a party, a movie or just a chance meeting with a friend after a long time. It may also be something like getting to spend an evening with your family when you expected to be working or tuning in to a movie channel and finding that your favorite movie is just starting. 

Such experiences are the most enjoyable and memorable for us. We have often said or heard someone say, "Unplanned events are the most enjoyable."

This is because there is zero expectation from such an event. Because there is no forewarning of the event, we have had no time to build any expectations. 

And anything that is divided by zero is infinity, right!!

The event

The event itself is just that, an event. It in itself gives you very little pleasure or pain. It is what we make of it that matters. Unless horribly organized or beset with a tragedy, the event cannot make you sad. In the same way, it cannot make you happy even if you find a gold mine during the event. (In any case, the gold mine will get confiscated by the government.)

But wait a minute, horrible organization or a tragedy are unexpected losses. In the same way, finding a gold mine or the secret to remaining happy after marriage are unexpected gains. 

This means that the event in itself does nothing. It is what happens during the event and how you take it that makes the event good, bad or ugly. 

Unexpected gains and losses

There is something interesting here. The word 'unexpected' consists of 'expected' which means even here 'expectations' come into play!!

They play a role in the overall pleasure because they are unexpected. An expected gain or an expected loss which gets fulfilled becomes a part of the experience. The gain or the loss was expected and so does not have any bearing on the overall pleasure.

However, an expected gain not happening becomes an unexpected loss and vise versa.

What does this mean?

If you watch closely, the most powerful operative word in this equation is 'expectations'. 

A gain becomes pleasurable because it was not expected. Similarly a loss is deep because it was not expected. (I am not suggesting that you force yourself to expect bad things to reduce their impact or turn them into unexpected gains. It does not work that way. It is like trying to laugh by tickling yourself.)  

Then there is the overall expectation form the trip in the denominator. The lower it is, the higher the value of the pleasure gained. 

It reinforces the old lesson 'EXPECTATIONS ARE THE ROOT OF ALL MISERY'  

If you want to be happy, get rid of all expectations.  

Is this possible?

Is it really possible to get rid of all expectations? Is it not human nature to have expectations from an event? Can we really acquire a state of equanimity in which we expect nothing so that anything that happens is a pleasure?

The answers to these questions are - Yes, Yes and Yes.

Like anything, it is a matter of practice and habit. 

I am not suggesting that it is equally easy or difficult for everyone. The results will vary from person to person. But with practice, we can get into a habit of lowering our expectations to maximize our pleasure from any experience.

Types of expectations

Broadly, there are three types of expectations: -

(This is my categorization. You may have a different way of categorizing expectations. Any input in this regard is welcome. Of course, I don't expect any such inputs.)

1. The 'shouldistic' expectations - These are based on what one SHOULD do and not do; morals, ethics and manners. We are expected to be honest. We are expected to respect our elders. We are expected to return somebody's things. In the same way, we are expected to reciprocate other people's kindness.. 

2. The anticipatory expectations - The expectations from an event. The expectations from an upcoming movie. The expectations from meeting a prospective soulmate. Someone will reciprocate our generosity. 'I will get something.' 'My wishes will be fulfilled.' 

(In some cases these two can overlap.)

3. The factual expectations - The expectations based on laws of nature and science. 1 + 1 is expected to give the answer 2. In the morning the sun is expected to rise. Water is expected to be wet. Fire is expected to be hot. 

(These are the only type of expectations that do not bring any disappointment. If they do, there are chances that you may have slipped into an alternative universe.)

It is the first two types of expectations that bring disappointment and sorrow. They are the ones we need to control. It may not be possible to eliminate them altogether but if you are repeatedly disappointed by something or someone, you may need to reassess your expectations from life and people.

A few tips...

a. Have realistic expectations from people. They are humans and prone to all human shortcomings. Don't build extraordinary expectations just because someone is 'my son' or 'my friend' or 'my anything' or anything at all. 

b. Go into events with a clean slate of mind. Avoid building scenarios of exaggerated happiness.

c. Focus on the present moment.

d. Take things and people as they are. Checking everything against the backdrop of your expectations is a sure shot way to disappointment.

Follow these tips and you can expect to live a happier life. All the best.        

It is YOUR journey

Question - What is the biggest injustice that you can do in this life, and on whom?

Answer - The biggest injustice that you can do is to yourself. That injustice is comparing your life journey with someone else's journey and worst still, changing your own journey to follow theirs. 

(The second biggest injustice that one can do is as a parent on their children. It is comparing the children with other children and in the process ignoring their unique gifts.)

I am not suggesting that all comparison is wrong. If you are pursuing the same academic path as someone else or learning the same skill as them, then comparison can sometimes generate healthy competition. What I am talking about here is comparing your life journey with theirs. 

But what is a life journey?

A life journey is, simply put, the way you want to lead your life. In other words, it means 'how do you want your life to be?'. 

We all have certain dreams and expectations about how we want our life to unfold. It consists of several thigs like professional life, personal life, hobbies, priorities, how we want out retirement to be, fitness goals, passions, even our day to day life and many other things. From person to person, the order of the priorities changes. This is life journey. Two people in the same profession can have different journeys. Even two life partners can have two different life journeys.

For someone, fitness is the prime goal. For others, acquiring material wealth is the journey. For still others it can be turning their passion into their profession. In some cases, helping their children to succeed in their journey can be a journey. And there are many more.

There can be multiple journeys for a person

A person can be on multiple journeys, both short term and long term. We usually go from journey to journey, for example, fitness goal followed by financial goal followed by relationship goal etc. There can be a short term journey and a long term journey, for example, a young person can have buying a house as a short term journey and retiring at 45 as a long term journey. 

Do you have a life journey? And why is it important?

Ask yourself, 'Do I have a journey planned for myself in life?' 

Do you? Do you have a journey planned for your life or are you drifting around attracted by a big pay package, a promise of a good life or any other thing, only to discover later on that it is not your thing.

Being on a journey is nothing but having a plan for your life. Agreed that things may not always go as per your plan. But, a plan will always give you something to aim for. Having a plan for life involves knowing yourself. It involves analyzing your own strengths, weaknesses, opportunities and threats (SWOT). It involves optimizing the use of your resources. That is why you need to be on a journey in life. 

So coming back to the injustice...

Once your life journey is finalized, either short term or long term, do not compare it with someone else's journey. It is your journey and more importantly your timeline. 

Watching someone's fitness videos may tempt you to revamp your routine and diet. Watching someone else learn a foreign language may tempt you to follow suit. A friend talking about their success with a financial investment plan may force you to go for it.

Ask yourself, 'IS THIS GOING TO SUPPORT ME IN MY JOURNEY?' 

Nothing wrong with learning or adopting something new but remember that as a human being, you have limited time and energy. Investing time, energy and money into something that does not support your journey will be a waste. If it supports your journey i.e. helps in fulfilling your goals, go for it.

Another reason why it is not recommended...

Someone may be or may look like they are ahead of you in their journey. This will lead you to doubt your own progress. Someone with a different body type and a professional fitness trainer will achieve a fitness goal faster than someone without professional help. A person with multiple sources of income will get to the financial goal faster than someone with just one source.

We usually do not factor these things and as a result feel that we are behind in our journey. 

Self Benchmarking - The best comparison

If you have to compare, compare yourself with yourself. See how much progress you have made in your journey. See where you are now as compared to where you were, lets say, six months ago. 

This will tell you a lot about how much progress you are making and what improvements you need to make. It is your journey and you should compare it with nothing but your own progress.

In the end...

Remember why you set the goals that you did. In other words, why you set out on the journey that you are on. The reasons are uniquely your own. In the same way, it is your own unique journey. Respect it and stick to it. 

If you keep changing tracks, it will take time to settle into a new journey and time is something that you do not have an unlimited supply of. Doing this thing often will lead to frustration and self doubt. So, no matter how green the proverbial grass looks on the other side, stay with your journey.

After all, it is YOUR journey.                

So, what did I really want to be?

'What do you want to be when you grow up?' This is without doubt amongst the top three most asked questions ever. There is no-one who has not been asked this question between the ages of 6 months to 25 years, or till the time they became something. 

(For the record, the other two questions in the top three are 'Will you marry me?' and 'Why did I ever get married?')

Well, I am no exception and was bombarded with this question more number of times than I even remember. Invariably, this question was followed by a long lecture on career counselling and how to be successful. It was the main reason I dreaded family get togethers and any function where there were uncles and aunties with a lot of free time on their hands. 

So, coming to the question, my answers to what I wanted to be varied from vegetable vendor to Prime Minister depending on my age, who was asking the question and the occasion on which it was being asked. Slowly, as I grew up my answer stabilized to be 'Army Officer'. 

I did fulfill my dream and got into the army. It was five life transforming years and the Indian Army, the fine institution that it is, taught me a lot. Many of the lessons that the army life taught me have stood me in good stead since I left. However, I soon realized that this was not what I wanted to do all my life. I realized that I was a royal misfit for the army. (Yes, not an ordinary misfit, a royal one.) Now when I look back at my childhood, I realize that the only reason I joined the army was because my father was in the army. Having seen the army life as an army brat, I wanted to be in be in the uniform. I wonder, had my father not been in the army and had I not spent my childhood in cantonments, what I would have chosen as a profession!!

After leaving the army in 2005, I drifted from job to job mainly attracted by a salary package and nothing else. In fact, almost all of these jobs fell into my lap. (Divine hand at play?) I got bored of these jobs really fast, usually within an year of joining. By the end of the second year, if I lasted that long, I would be looking for a change. The money was good but something was always missing. Of course, there was the usual work place politics and job pressures but these factors are universal. What I increasingly realized was that I was not doing justice to myself and my inherent set of talents. 

Come to think of it, I had never thought of my talents and turning them into a profession till I reached the age of 40!

They say that the first 40 years of childhood are the most difficult. I can vouch for the correctness of this from personal experience. By the time I turned 40, I was feeling suffocated in jobs. I discovered a few important things about myself: -

1. I cannot tolerate a boss over me.

2. I cannot force myself to do something that I am not cut out to do.

3. If I continue to work in these jobs, I would become an alcoholic, a mad man or both. 

(There is no value judgement about jobs here. There are millions of people who do things that they are not cut out for and they do a fantastic job. Hats off to such people, they are the ones who keep the world going.)

Finally...

Finally, after reaching the age of 40, I started giving a serious thought to the question, 'What do I want to become when I grow up?'

Thanks to my restlessness with jobs and with the help of some intolerable colleagues and painful bosses, I took a bold step and became a freelancing soft skill trainer. This was in October 2016. In retrospect, this has been the best career decision I ever took. Of course there was struggle. There is no escape from struggle. But as Mark Manson says in his book 'Everything is F*cked' it is important to choose your struggles. It is important to choose a struggle that you enjoy. I was, and am, enjoying the struggles involved with being a trainer. 

In addition, I rediscovered my passion for writing. As on today, (5 May 2022) I have published two fictional books, one book is with the publisher under process and I am working on one. In addition I also blog. 

Finally I have a definitive answer to the question 'What do you want to do when you grow up?'. I want to be a trainer and writer. As mentioned above, there is struggle involved but I enjoy this struggle and that is important. 

Some lessons...

Some lessons from my story and my experience that I feel will be useful for the young and their parents: -

a. Know yourself - It is very important for the children to know their aptitude, talents, likes and dislikes at an early age. Any education path and career decision must be taken based on this. In my childhood, this concept did not exist. But now it is there. Parents must encourage their children to discover themselves.

b. Know what kind of a life you want - Every career decision is also a lifestyle choice. Know about it well in advance. Ask yourself 'Does this career involve travel?' 'Does it involve long working hours?' 'Does it involve separation from family?'  The ask yourself 'Am I ready for it?'

c. Know the struggles - When choosing a career, we usually only see the pay package, the perks and the benefits. It is equally important to know the struggles involved. Each struggle is different. Choose your struggle carefully. 

d. Encourage the children to think and listen to them - And do not be in a hurry to 'settle them'. Parents do not settle the children. They settle themselves. Encouragement and guidance is one thing, parents should avoid pushing the children like race horses. They will reach their destination only if allowed to think and act freely. Don't make them feel suffocated or obliged to jump into a career.

e. Every child has some inherent talents - Just because parents do not understand it, they should not stifle it under studies and academic success. Academics is not the only way to a successful life. This is increasingly true in the world of today and tomorrow. Recognize their talents and see how they can turn it into a profession. In the long run they will be happier and thank you for it. 

Last but not the least

f. Life is meant to be enjoyed - Any vision of the future that we give our children should be based on hope and optimism. Do not make them feel like life is a war. Doing what you enjoy is more important than we may think. 'Enjoyment' is not something to be done on weekends and after retirement. It has to be a part of our daily life and work. 

So now...

So now that I have figured out what I want to be when I grow up, I can finally start growing up in earnest.

Sometimes the thought comes to my mind if I wasted the 40 years of my life. Well, not really, the lessons that these years have given are going to be very useful to me in my journey ahead. However, the fact remains that I could have saved myself a lot of frustration had I known myself and followed my heart from a younger age. 

In the end...

Please stop asking the children what they want to be when they grow up. A better question will be 'What type of life do you want when you grow up?' 

It is not just a question of 'becoming something' but a life deciding decision.