Look at this equation and try to figure out what it is for: -
Exp
So, what do you think this equation is for? Let me give you three options...
1. How to punch a wormhole through space time?
2. How to put toothpaste back into the tube?
3. Who really killed John F Kennedy?
If your answer is option 1, I am sorry but you are wrong. If it is option 2, I am sorry again. BUT if it is option 3, well, sorry once more.
Then what is it?
This is an equation that puts into mathematical terms, how to get maximum pleasure out of an experience.
In this equation: -
PEx is the pleasure gained from the experience.
Ex is the experience itself. (A trip with friends)
UG is an unexpected gain. (Your crush coming for the trip without your foreknowledge.)
UL is an unexpected loss. (Your crush dropping out at the last moment.)
Exp is the expectations that you have from the trip.
How does it work?
We all must have experienced an impromptu event that just happens. It may be a trip with friends, a party, a movie or just a chance meeting with a friend after a long time. It may also be something like getting to spend an evening with your family when you expected to be working or tuning in to a movie channel and finding that your favorite movie is just starting.
Such experiences are the most enjoyable and memorable for us. We have often said or heard someone say, "Unplanned events are the most enjoyable."
This is because there is zero expectation from such an event. Because there is no forewarning of the event, we have had no time to build any expectations.
And anything that is divided by zero is infinity, right!!
The event
The event itself is just that, an event. It in itself gives you very little pleasure or pain. It is what we make of it that matters. Unless horribly organized or beset with a tragedy, the event cannot make you sad. In the same way, it cannot make you happy even if you find a gold mine during the event. (In any case, the gold mine will get confiscated by the government.)
But wait a minute, horrible organization or a tragedy are unexpected losses. In the same way, finding a gold mine or the secret to remaining happy after marriage are unexpected gains.
This means that the event in itself does nothing. It is what happens during the event and how you take it that makes the event good, bad or ugly.
Unexpected gains and losses
There is something interesting here. The word 'unexpected' consists of 'expected' which means even here 'expectations' come into play!!
They play a role in the overall pleasure because they are unexpected. An expected gain or an expected loss which gets fulfilled becomes a part of the experience. The gain or the loss was expected and so does not have any bearing on the overall pleasure.
However, an expected gain not happening becomes an unexpected loss and vise versa.
What does this mean?
If you watch closely, the most powerful operative word in this equation is 'expectations'.
A gain becomes pleasurable because it was not expected. Similarly a loss is deep because it was not expected. (I am not suggesting that you force yourself to expect bad things to reduce their impact or turn them into unexpected gains. It does not work that way. It is like trying to laugh by tickling yourself.)
Then there is the overall expectation form the trip in the denominator. The lower it is, the higher the value of the pleasure gained.
It reinforces the old lesson 'EXPECTATIONS ARE THE ROOT OF ALL MISERY'
If you want to be happy, get rid of all expectations.
Is this possible?
Is it really possible to get rid of all expectations? Is it not human nature to have expectations from an event? Can we really acquire a state of equanimity in which we expect nothing so that anything that happens is a pleasure?
The answers to these questions are - Yes, Yes and Yes.
Like anything, it is a matter of practice and habit.
I am not suggesting that it is equally easy or difficult for everyone. The results will vary from person to person. But with practice, we can get into a habit of lowering our expectations to maximize our pleasure from any experience.
Types of expectations
Broadly, there are three types of expectations: -
(This is my categorization. You may have a different way of categorizing expectations. Any input in this regard is welcome. Of course, I don't expect any such inputs.)
1. The 'shouldistic' expectations - These are based on what one SHOULD do and not do; morals, ethics and manners. We are expected to be honest. We are expected to respect our elders. We are expected to return somebody's things. In the same way, we are expected to reciprocate other people's kindness..
2. The anticipatory expectations - The expectations from an event. The expectations from an upcoming movie. The expectations from meeting a prospective soulmate. Someone will reciprocate our generosity. 'I will get something.' 'My wishes will be fulfilled.'
(In some cases these two can overlap.)
3. The factual expectations - The expectations based on laws of nature and science. 1 + 1 is expected to give the answer 2. In the morning the sun is expected to rise. Water is expected to be wet. Fire is expected to be hot.
(These are the only type of expectations that do not bring any disappointment. If they do, there are chances that you may have slipped into an alternative universe.)
It is the first two types of expectations that bring disappointment and sorrow. They are the ones we need to control. It may not be possible to eliminate them altogether but if you are repeatedly disappointed by something or someone, you may need to reassess your expectations from life and people.
A few tips...
a. Have realistic expectations from people. They are humans and prone to all human shortcomings. Don't build extraordinary expectations just because someone is 'my son' or 'my friend' or 'my anything' or anything at all.
b. Go into events with a clean slate of mind. Avoid building scenarios of exaggerated happiness.
c. Focus on the present moment.
d. Take things and people as they are. Checking everything against the backdrop of your expectations is a sure shot way to disappointment.
Follow these tips and you can expect to live a happier life. All the best.
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