"I am sorry but you make me do this."
"I am sorry but you know I am like this."
Sounds familiar? Almost all of us have given or received apologies like this. It typically starts off with a 'Sorry' or 'I am sorry' and then goes on to justify the very behavior for which the 'sorry' is meant. In some cases, the person receiving the apology actually starts feeling like a culprit rather than the person giving it. (e.g. "I am sorry for shouting at you but it was your fault. Why do you make me behave like this?") The question then arises, are you really sorry if you have a justification or an explanation for the behavior?
When you are really sorry.....
Then you are just sorry, plain and simple. There should be no excuses and no explanations. An apology is meany among other things to make up for a hurt that the other person has been caused by one's behavior or words. At a time like this the only word that should come out of one's mouth should be 'sorry' and words that support the 'sorry' (I am mistaken / I should not have behaved like that / I will not do such a thing again).
The most inappropriate word at a time like this is BUT. It is like a U-turn. The moment the word BUT follows an apology, it means that the person offering the apology is not really apologetic because there is an explanation or a justification for the behavior. It also indicates that a part of the blame lies with the person receiving the apology. It just means that the person is not sorry and the apology is just a formality.
So what to do?
When (and IF) you are sorry, just be sorry. Offer no explanation and no excuse. Decide how important the person / relation is for you. If it is important enough to be saved at the cost of the ego, offer an apology and say nothing more. (More importantly, make sure that the 'sorry' is expressed in your changed behavior.)
If you feel that the other person is important enough for you and you have hurt the person just make up for the hurt at the time. Understand that the person is not in a state of mind at the time to process any explanation.
There might be a time when.....
The other person is also at fault. Human nature being what it is and the affairs of humans being what they are, there are always situations when both the parties involved share a part of the blame. Now, you do not have any control on the other person but you can surely make your own apology as sincere as possible. Plus as mentioned above the other person may not be in a state of mind to process an explanation. At a time like this, an unalloyed apology is the best way to cool tempers.
Remember, there will always be time to offer your side of the story when the other person is in a better state of mind. It can also be done with the help of a third party who is trusted and respected by the other person.
And if you are not sorry.....
Then you do not have to say a sorry. Before the word 'sorry' escapes your lips, as yourself, "Am I really sorry?". Be honest with yourself in answering this question.
If you are in a situation where saying a 'sorry' is a practical and pragmatic option make it sound sincere and again, offer no explanations. There will be time enough for that later on.
And remember.....
If you are really at fault, offering an apology is not a sign of weakness but shows a mature and a strong mind. Even in this case, offer the apology and only the apology at the time. All explanations (if any) can come later at an appropriate time and place.
